"If you want someone to say something nice about your work, show your mom."
I had never had a teacher be so direct with me before. Moments prior, after a total evisceration on my figure drawing study, I had tried to defend my work... and got shot down.
The teacher was a jerk. But he was also right. (You can be both!)
The trick is to know when you need to be an art teacher, and when you need to be a mom.
Years in the film industry have all but killed the "criticism sensitivity" part of my brain. In visual effects you have these things called "dailies," where you sit in a room with your peers while the supervisor shows your work on a huge screen, and tells you what you did wrong. It's humbling, and over time really gets you used to the notion of taking criticism, without taking it personally. That is a great tool, but there is also a time and a place.
See when you TAKE critique that way, you often GIVE critique that way. I'll give an example. When I was first starting on my writing journey I joined a few writers groups, all focused on writing for children. In my first session with a group, everyone sat in a circle while each member would read their manuscript, then everyone would comment. A delightful young woman read her first draft manuscript about adoption. Unfortunately, I was the first to critique.
Keep in mind I said it nicely, and I have cringe blocked this memory for the most part, but I recall saying things like "The rhyme canter is off," "The overall story arch was confusing." and "I didn't realize it was about adoption until you told me after." All things I thought would be helpful (and were true), but weren't. I practically broke her. I critiqued the way I liked to be critiqued. Oops.
I felt awful. I had forgotten that some people are nice, normal people and not rhino-skinned old artists. I was the art teacher, when I should have been the mom. I apologised, and realized maybe writers groups weren't for me.
From there out I adopted a 3 point system of critique: Compliment, Critique, Conclude. Open with a compliment: "This story is really evolving. Thank you for reading it. It's a very important subject. DId you say it's your first time writing a children's book? That's awesome and a huge step." Next is critique: "While I really love the thought of the story, I think you should work on your rhyme cadence. Think of it like a song. Also, it was a little unclear what this story was about. Maybe focus on the message at the beginning and leave less for the reader to decipher on their own." Finally conclude "So I think you are off to a good start here and looking forward to hearing it again after some rewrites."
Much kinder. And notice I didn't lie about anything. No "Wow that is great!" No "It's just PERFECT!" You don't have to lie to compliment, in fact I think that is a disservice. I was delivering the same information as my previous critique, but in a much warmer way.
As a child we are told to never hurt anyone's feelings. And at 6 years old on the playground, that is true. But as an adult in an environment designed to make a product better, it is not true. It can be awkward, but not true. Honestly in feedback and critique is very very important, but you have to read the room.
It just depends if that room is the art teachers room, or your mom's kitchen.
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